Too tired or busy for sex? 10 ways to re-spark your sex life.
Too tired or busy for sex?
One of the most common complaints I hear from clients regularly is that they are just too tired or busy to have sex. When the average time couples spend having sex is 15 minutes, it’s hard to believe anyone doesn’t have time. Yet, many people find themselves feeling like there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Likely, if you feel that busy, you are experiencing a great deal of stress and may not have much time to relax or decompress. Let alone get busy in the bedroom. Stress is likely the greater culprit in your declining sex life. Stress can cause issues with sleeping, which explains why you feel so tired. It can also lead to racing thoughts, anxiety, trouble focusing, and irritability. So when your partner makes a move and you cringe, it’s no wonder why.
Sex can actually reduce stress by increasing endorphins and other hormones that boost mood. It can help calm your mind, and it can be great cardio. However, if the stress of your busy day-to-day life has caused your body to shut down to pleasure, you are missing out on these great benefits, and your relationship may be suffering. So how do you get your mojo back when you and your partner are both exhausted and busy?
10 Ways to Spark Your Sex Life.
- Communicate – I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. In fact, only 10% of couples feel comfortable talking about sex. If your partner doesn’t understand what is going on inside your head, they may begin to internalize your lack of interest in sex. Or vice versa. Always be honest about how you are feeling. If you had a rough day and feel exhausted, I suggest just snuggling instead. Sometimes removing the pressure of having sex will actually make the idea more appealing when you are ready.
- Set Boundaries with Work – In the age of constant emails, phone calls, text messages, and social media alerts, it can be hard to unplug. When your phone dings and you see that email come through about a work project, it can be hard not to spend the rest of the night thinking about how you will tackle the project in the morning. Turn your alerts to silent or take them off of your home screen when you clock out for the day. There are very few things that absolutely cannot wait until morning. Even if checking your work emails and alerts at 7 pm seems to be a small action, it takes up mental space in your head and can create even more racing thoughts.
- Plan a Date Night – We have all been told that making time for your partner is important. Yet only a small fraction of couples actually take the time regularly. Start once a month and go from there. Carve out undivided, kid-free time for you and your partner. Make a rule not to talk about kids or work. You may wind up with absolutely no idea what to talk about at first with those subjects off the table. Check out these Date Night Question cards for some fun ideas to spark deep conversation with your partner.
- Discover Your Erotic Language – If you feel turned off more often than turned on, you and your partner are most likely speaking a different erotic language. The Erotic Blueprints™ are a language, your sex, or erotic language. They are a map to help you understand how you are wired for pleasure. The Erotic Blueprints™ are based on a person’s psychology and the somatic (body) responses a person has to various stimuli. For couples, it provides them with compassion and understanding about each other’s sexual needs and turn-ons.
- Spend More Time on Foreplay – Sometimes, when we say “we are too tired,” we really mean “I’m not in the mood and don’t have the bandwidth to pretend.” Ouch. If your mind is racing with worries and analyzing your day, you likely aren’t dripping wet the second your partner goes to make a move. You may need a little more time to unwind. Foreplay can help you loosen up and distract you from your thoughts.
- Try Morning Sex – Switch up the time of day you are having sex. Often couples feel like if it doesn’t happen after dinner and before bed, then it’s not going to happen at all. That may be the time of day that you feel the most depleted. Be open to switching things up. You may find your partner’s morning wood is your new favorite alarm clock.
- Show More Affection – Make an Effort to Touch Your Partner More Being turned on in the bedroom can have a lot to do with how the rest of your day went. Couples with less physical touch during the day tend to have less sex. This disconnection can lead to a big disconnection in the bedroom. Receiving affection may begin to feel conditional, and you may develop some resentments revolving around sex.
- Turn off the TV – Even better, take the tv out of your bedroom completely. After a long day, you probably just want to zone out and relax. Most people do this by binge-watching their favorite show. When you are engaged in an activity you like, such as watching your favorite show, dopamine is released in the brain. So it’s not a coincidence you feel a little more relaxed after binging your favorite series. The problem is now you are looking for TV to help you feel better, and sex doesn’t seem as necessary.
- Sext – Get your partner thinking about sex earlier in the day by sending a naughty text or picture. Nothing says “I am thinking about you” quite like it.
- Tell your partner what you love – Words of affirmation can go a long way. Couples who spend more time focused on the positive things their partners do tend to have more sex. If most of the conversations you have revolve around unfinished tasks or how bad your partner is at doing laundry, it’s unlikely you will be able to switch your mood up quickly and be ready to have sex. Praise in between the sheets is extra important. Let your partner know just the right place to touch to get you to climax. It’s the best way to guarantee you’ll receive the same great orgasm next time.
Don’t feel like you need to try every single item on the list to jump-start your sex life but trying a few may be just what you needed to start having mind-blowing sex. If you and your partner have been in a rut for a while, you may need something a little more in-depth to get you reconnected with your pleasure.
It’s never too late to create a life of passion!
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Rain Montana, Intimacy & Relationship Mentor, www.PleasureSexAndHealing.com