10 Reasons you have a sexless marriage

We have all seen it in movies. The couple that only has sex on infrequent special occasions. That typical Hollywood scene where the wife is running around making lunches and getting the kids off to school before rushing off to work herself. The husband comes along just after the kids leave, trying to convince the wife of a quickie before work. The wife, visibly uninterested, marks her calendar and says, “Hold on, honey, let me pencil you in for next Friday at 9 pm.” as she rushes out the door. More than likely, Thursday comes along, and they are both so exhausted they’re asleep by 8. 

You probably couldn’t fathom that being a reality for you and your partner at the start of a relationship. Have you found yourself trying to remember the last time you and your partner even had sex? Let alone satisfying great sex? It’s estimated that 20 percent of couples have a sexless marriage. If you’re wondering who turned off the steam to your once hot sex life, here are some factors that contribute to a sexless marriage. 


Top 10 Contributors to a Sexless Marriage

  1. Stress – Stress not only affects your sex life but impacts your health in a big way. Chronic stress impacts the hormones responsible for your libido and can even lead to adrenal fatigue. 
  2. Too Tired – Exhaustion can go hand in hand with stress, between taking care of the kids, working, trying to eat healthily, and get in a workout here and there. It’s no wonder you’re falling asleep just as your head hits the pillow. After a day of running from place to place, the last thing on your mind may be an all-night sex fest. 
  3. Hurt Feelings – Have you or your partner been turned down one too many times or felt neglected. One of the leading causes of a breakdown in intimacy is the build-up of resentments. When you put yourself out there in a vulnerable way, and the sentiment is not reciprocated, you may feel like retreating—turning inward and closing yourself off to the possibility of sex. 
  4. Time – Or should I say lack of time. The Office for National Statistics finds that, on average, we spend two to two and half hours a day together, including weekends. (https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2007/jun/09/familyandrelationships) How much of that time are you watching TV, cooking, or spending it with the kids? No wonder it feels like you haven’t had a whole conversation with your partner in a while. 
  5. Aging – As you age, your body changes. Hormone levels can go a little haywire, and things can begin to look a little different. Thanks, gravity. For women, estrogen levels decline, which can lead to feminine dryness and painful sex. For men, a decline in testosterone can impact their libido. 
  6. Underlying Health Conditions – Diabetes, cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, heart disease, depression, and hormonal imbalances, to name a few, can also significantly impact your libido. As well as side effects of medications used to treat these conditions. https://www.livehealthily.com/healthy-sex-life/medical-causes-of-low-libido
  7. Depression and Anxiety – Depression affects more than 16.1 million American adults. Anxiety affects 6.8 million adults or 3.1% of the U.S. population, yet only 43.2% receive treatment. Women are twice as likely to be affected as men. Generalized Anxiety Disorder often co-occurs with major depression. https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics   
  8. Miscommunication – Communication breakdown is the main reason for most disagreements or negative personal interactions. Being able to express your wants and desires is the only way to have them met. Read about Why sexual incompatibility is a myth.
  9. Shame – Shame or embarrassment for your sexual desires can leave you or your partner feeling closed off. This shame can often be an internalized issue stemming from a lifetime of feeling judged or misunderstood.
  10. Life Adjustments – Life is full of changes. From buying or selling a home, having and raising children, dealing with death, new jobs, and losing jobs. There is always something new to adjust to. These adjustments can affect how you feel physically and emotionally, impacting your sex life in a big way. 

Chances are you could check off a few items on the list above, if not all of them. This doesn’t mean that you are doomed to a sexless marriage. The only way to fix or change something is to understand what is causing the issue in the first place. Otherwise, you may find yourself discouraged that your romantic dinner dates aren’t doing the trick. Every relationship is different, just like every person is different. It is essential to consider when determining what you and your partner need on an intimate level to feel satisfied. While one couple may have sex daily, another is perfectly satisfied with mind-blowing sex once a week. Don’t compare your number to another couple. Instead of focusing on how many times you have sex in any given week or month, focus on experiencing pleasure when you do. The list above can feel a little daunting because many of these factors are just a part of life. So, where do you start?


“Keep in mind that even if you have never had a mind-blowing sex life, it doesn’t mean you can’t. If you and your partner couldn’t get enough of each other in the past, you can get there again.”

-Rain Montana

5 Ways to Fix a Sexless Marriage

  1. Self Care – This has become a bit of a buzzword, but I don’t want to diminish the importance of self-care. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Self-care can include eating healthy, taking time away from work and kids to do something you love, working out, spending time with your girlfriends, or a nightly goddess bath. Read How to take a goddess bath.
  2. Reconnect with Your Body – Most women go through their days uncomfortable in their own skin and shut down. Who wants to take a roll around in the sheets after a day feeling like that? Feminine movement practices like Femme! and S Factor are a quick way to reconnect with your body and have you feeling sexy. 
  3. Self Talk – Don’t underestimate the power of your inner voice. The messages we tell ourselves daily can either lead us towards bliss or suffering. Listen to this guided meditation for the kind of self-talk you deserve. If you do nothing else today, listen to this. https://youtu.be/fI-QTysDxj0
  4. Express Emotions – It’s easy to get trapped in the pattern of stuffing things down and pretending everything is ok. But doing this keeps you stuck, and it keeps your physical body stuck. ALL of your emotions are valid. When you learn to let go and move through your emotions, you will feel a sense of liberation like no other. Not sure how? Follow this link for more support https://www.ambitiousliving.com/Services
  5. Discover Your Erotic Language – The Erotic Blueprints™ are your map to discovering your path to arousal and if you and your partner are speaking different languages in the bedroom. This one factor can be the total game-changer you’re searching for. 

Keep in mind that even if you have never had a mind-blowing sex life, it doesn’t mean you can’t. If you and your partner couldn’t get enough of each other in the past, you can get there again. There are so many factors that play a role in your current sex life, and you may need some extra help to sort them out. Many of the people I work with come to me feeling defeated and hopeless, but after working together their passion is reawakened and they experience more pleasure in their relationships. Focus on adding pleasure to your life. By following the 5 tips above, you will be on your way to a sexual awakening. I’ll be here when you’re ready to take the next step to passionate and mind-blowing sex. Rain Montana, Relationship & Intimacy Mentor, www.ambitiousliving.com 

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